Jenaantonelli’s Weblog

second trip to barcelona–aye okay. definatley worth it. still an insane trip, but we are alive. and well, more lessons to be learned. if I had expectations, i would have expected lessons to follow me around like a puppy. but expectations are gone-out the window. 

time is flying by and its winding down. there hasnt been much craziness as their usually is. we have been doing our assignment. try to get them all done so we have the rest of the week off to party…ehm.. i mean do fun things…before we go. while i had the time of my life, and wouldnt take a single second back, i am ready to go home. i hope home is ready for me. so many lessons learned. but now, due to my low budget, im cooking brussles sprouts. got to go!

My friends and I recently went on a trip to barcelona. what a great great time. absolutley loved it. we loved it so much that on the day we returned, we started looking for a flight back. At first I was all for it, but curse the thinking that starts in my head- do we have time? money? what about classes? should we go again or go somewhere we havent seen? Hesitation wins this battle. 

 

This has also led me to think of something else. Expectations. We cannot rely on our expectations. For me, its ruined and haunted me and ive only realized it now. When I expect something, and I dont get what I expect, im miserable, regretful. then it affects my future-like a domino effect. I want to have an open mind, not knowing what to expect, so the experience is more exciting-or in the other case a life lesson. expectations have caused so much stress, hesitation, regret. I should clear my mind and just enjoy the ride-so theres nothing to regret.

I keep trying to assess whats the most important thing that should happen on this study abroad trip? At first I thought it was about traveling and seeing everything i can. While I still think thats important, i dont think its at the very tippy top. I think I need to learn-learn about other people and their culture so that I may be able to learn about myself in comparison. I want to go home a better person-to my family, to myself, to my friends. And as an added bonus- I will have traveled and made true friends along the way. Ok, lets go back to Barcelona.

Before I came to Ireland, the school leaders and other have studied abroad students repeatedly told me “its a culture shock” and “your going to learn a lot about yourself”. I just nodded my head at the time thinking “yea sure ok” Really, your going to another country to have fun and bull shit your way through class because honestly, who really goes abroad to go to school? I sure didnt have that in mind. I thought of meeting new people and traveling and learning only in the most informal way without teachers or  classrooms. But this journey, so far, has been a culture shock and I have been questioning myself and learning more than I imagined. I guess it sounds cliche, but in all honesty its true. Ive met some lovely people and weve had some good crack, as the Irish would say (crack=fun!) But other situations I was faced with made me realize what I love most. I think about my family a lot, and my future with a family. I dont think I was looking for an exit to find myself, but I sure am in the process. There are still are some things im unsure of, but things ive learned are that I really love my family, and maybe ive taken their love for me for granted. Like i said before, its sort of shameful that we only realize our priorities or our mistakes once thing have been taken from us. but anyway, ive also realized that i dont possess traits i thought i had. like being smart or knowledgeable. Some people here are so full of knowledge, they know everything and nothing. And when Ive had deep conversations with people they tell me things Ive never heard of. Where do they get this information? I feel like there is so much information, its almost too much for me to handle. Should i read more? i dont know. But i feel kind of stupid. Im not very knowledgeable. And truly, i wouldnt give a damn if i werent becoming a teacher. Arnt I supposed to be a knowledgeable teacher?!great…I definatley need to start reading more. Another thing..europeans, well the ones ive met so far, have traveled a lot, and met a lot of people, and have had a lot of fun. They say such great things about these people while they reminisce. I start to think, “who am i then” And then i think “why am i questioning myself? i know who i am” internal conflict. I think about my husband a lot too. My future husband. Im sick of boys and their talk. Im sick of parties where they get drunk or high, and oftentimes both. It isnt me do that, and it never was. I like to dream, and have good clean fun. Maybe its just this place, and ill get back to my routine at home. thats what i tell myself, but did i ever have a routine? i can clearly remember complaining about boys back at home too!! Guess i have a lot of searching to do!

From the trip to Donegal to winding up in an ER scared for a friend. Well first, Donegal. Its absolutley gorgeous if I had to describe it in words-although it doesnt do it justice. In the middle of nowhere surrounded by the powerful forces of nature-it felt like home. Now if only I could bring my crazy family with me, I might have never left. I climbed the highest mountain and laughed and cried and felt so euphoric at the same time. I guess its the kind of “natural high”. although I would just call it a beautiful feeling. Then I surfed and although I was only successful on my knees, I had a blast. The beach was a beach Ive never seen so beautiful in my life.

 

Its these things like that Im thinking of now. What a terrible thing I saw tonight, and never want to see again, although minor compared to other terrible thing. Makes you appreciate what is important to you. And I found myself thinking of my family and how I just wanted to be in their arms away from the bad. Guess Im not so strong and courageous as I thought. Even though the situatiion we know will turn out ok, doesnt make what happened today. In all, Ive decieded to be more productive with my time. But what a shame it is just to realize this when bad things happen. Do we get distracted?

Its a funny thing, not an unusual thing, to expect one thing and have something else laid in front of you. Expect the unexpected they say. I should have listened more carefully. When I first decided to come to Belfast, I only thought of green rolling hills, castles, crowds of sheep, folk dancing to traditional irish music, hearing legends and myths told by old men which to them were true by their right hand. In Belfast, it isnt quite so. It’s a city, and in my opinion, it is very much like pittsburgh-litter on the streets, abandonned buildings, a thriving city center, tons of pubs, crowds. I was a little surprised how much of the unexpected I was facing. Not that I hate it here, but I always longed for country rather than city. After 2 weeks, I guess its time to get out of Belfast and travel to those places Ive dreamed about. The physical unexpectations are one thing, but Ive encountered another polar difference. I imagined my stay with lovely, welcoming people to a place where friendship and love flows all the time, such a peaceful, serene island. While they are very welcoming, the troubles still affect the city today, although most say the troubles are over. Yet when I meet locals Im very careful to say where I live: in a catholic area. The proestant area frightens me a little. The British flags are posted every where on the streets, the sidewalk painted colors of the British flag, the murals threatening and often portraying violence. On our way to a pub the other night, a huge mural on the side of a building read “now entering loyalist territory” with a masked soldier holding a gun. As I walked their streets at night on lonely roads, I found myself frigthened and asking for protection. What? Seriously? Back up…im scared to be harmed because of my religion or gender? What year is it? Where am I? I couldnt imagine being here when the troubles were at their height. After reviewing all these differences, I think, “What am I doing here?” While I imagined a relaxing experience, I was given something to experience from, to learn from. To be in such a conflicting place as Belfast is truly an experience Ive never expected. Expected roses- given stones.But overturn the stone and see what was not visible before open hearts and minds.

Oh my gosh its so hard to keep up with something like this. So much is going on and the time goes by so fast. The only rest I really get is sleeping, after that is shopping, or a pub, or errands, and what not. This is not a still city. 

There is also so much going on in my head. I really enjoy my roomates they are loads of fun.. Made the best damn couscous and hot chocolate I have ever had! We have gone out every night. Last night we went to a pub called Robinsons where they had old folk music-it was lovely-but too many people around to dance. i had my first Guiness too!

Its so strange to be in a place where your the one that talks differently, but I feel like I might pick up and accent, just a wee bit, from being surrounded by it all the time. A lot of people tell me to SLOW DOWN when I talk. It is a lovely accent-eurpoean. They  told me they can really differentiate accents and be able to tell you where your from, but to me, it all sounds like lovely music and romance.

As is the first “real” day here, its hard to go back and recall all the mess thats happened so far, because I want to move on and forget, like a bad relationship. Megan and I met at the airport around 11. Not really freaking out, we were just anxious to get there-the emerlad island. First we flew out of pittsburgh to newark. I hate flying, I hate heights, but what other choice did I have? Oh, and the plane was so small it had propellers. And our seats were right next to the epilitic show. Great. We also had a lot of turbulence-even more fun. I guess one of the flight attendents saw the terror in my face and made it a habit to repeatidly check on me-and only me. I guess having a cute, former marine give me extra food and attention wasnt so terrible. Then we had a layover of about 4 1/2 hours. Then finally, our flight to belfast. It was a bigger plane this time, and I couldnt feel ever movement of the plane, even with my eyes closed, as the one I did earlier. So it was better, but a long, overnight flight. I watched a couple movies, tried my hardest to sleep, because we would be arriving in belfast at 9am, when our flight had taken off around 9pm USA time. Try as i might, i didnt get a wink of sleep, which meant that I would lose a whole night of sleep. There was some misunderstaning about arrivial, Megan and I were told some one would pick us up at the airport. So we waited, waited, and waited in a different country, unfamiliar place, with little foreign money, After our patience wore off and the impatience set in, we finally rounded up some money to call one of the directors there. They said we were to take a bus and then would be picked up. We were furious, why would we have to to that? Why isnt some one here for us, we have no clue what the hell we’re doing. And we didnt. The people working there probably thought we were stupid americans. We walked around, got lost, then found the bus. Well wait, we had to get a ticket first at the iunformation desk. Ok, so we walk around looking for that and got lost again. Finally found it and it was right where we were previously waiting for hours. So we spending money we werent planning to spend, got on the bus, arrived where our advisor picked us up. By this time I was ready to say goodnight, but it was only around noon their time. So, not wanted to be rude but polite and fun, I went out with them shopping and what not. I cant even tell you how sleep deprived I was-and delirious. I didnt even feel like I was here. I was sort of miserable, I didnt know where I was, I didnt know any of these people, I wanted my bed. Megan and I decieded we wanted to go home, she had her keys she was given earlier, but of course this day had to get worse. The key fit the hole, but wouldnt turn. And we tried everything, even if trying a wrong key to turn about twenty times trying different manuvers. So with no phones for contact we waited outside in the cold. And yes it gets freezing at night. So we sat outside a pub on a bench, just waiting to see one of our roomates. After a while in the cold, we saw them and got into the cold house. Oh and my room…well its a closet with a bed pretty much. No shelves, no dresser! How am I supposed to be here without a dresser to put my clothes in and stuff on? Im furious with this too. Shouldnt I be provided with the things I need, especially since we are paying for this?! So my suitcases are on the floor as well as everything I brought, its a mess and I cant stand it because im a very clean, neat, person. Probably the worst thinng though is the aftermath of flying. As soon as I walked into the house I felt like it was titled, like those fun houses at amusement parks. I was so dizzy and had a hard time finding my balance. No one else felt that way, but I was so sure the house was titled. the feeling was there the whole day. I finally got to bed early around 9:30 pm and slept until 11 am the next morning. Most of the unbalanced feeling wore off, but I still feel it a little bit. I serisouly think this house is titled. So this, I think, is the real first day. Yesterday I didnt even feel real, physically, mentally, everything. Half dream, half nightmare. We have no internet in the house either, no contact with my family was put on hold. So, bad flight, bad arrival, getting lost, getting locked out, being super sleep deprived, no dresser-lets forget about that.

There once was a girl

So typical it appears

But surrounded by guilt and uncertainty

please refrain from jeers

 

She had many a blessings

And  loving sisters, a mom and dad

The love that sprouted though

Had origins that were a wee bit bad

 

Both parents

as loving as they were

grew up with misfortunes

The abuse, unloving, its all just a blur

 

So much on their own

They survived and moved on

Not blaming anyone

Taking the pain and becoming strong

 

As any old love story

They met and so it was

Together they sacrificed

And not for any old “because”

 

Though their childhood was a nightmare

They found love in each other

Made a family

Became the best father and mother

 

Unrealistically unselfish

They worked to the bone

So they could provide everything

for the children alone

 

To this day

they continue to give

never complaing

just happy to live

 

And now one daughter

has an amazing opportunity her way

does she take or even deserve it

the little voice says, no way

 

True she’s worked hard

but in comparison there’s no game

Her parents deserve it more

And this gift brought her to shame

 

But family and friends

shut down her thoughts

Advised her to take this chance

Keeping her parents in mind, give it a shot

 

Take what you can

have no regrets, they said

Learn and explore

but keep a strong head

 

So with uncertainty and excitement

she takes the steps through half covered eyes

Keeping mom and dad close to her heart

She can start to hear the Irish cries

 

Her thoughts of the future

uncertain like her heart

nevertheless moving forward

with light into the new dark

 

 

Oh and one more thing,

this is me,

this is my life,

and here is my journey..

 

Erin go Braugh!